So. It's been a year since my last post.

It's been a year since my last post. I come to you again on the heels of Free Spirit Gathering.

Things were interesting this time around.

The week before FSG I decided to blood my runes. After they were done I stood over the runes and said 'All Father, tell me what you want me to know'.

I pulled Perthro. I took it as a 'more to follow later' combined with a 'yes, these are runes' message.

The 'more to follow later' could have meant any length of time. I assumed it meant in a few weeks.
Maybe it still does. I don't know. What I do know though, is this.

On Wednesday morning I stood with my kinsmen - I'm part of a Kindred now too. Yay me! - and friends and toasted Odin in a blot. I'd already worked it out with the person hosting the blot that I would also be toasting Loki in the blot along side His blood brother, and I did as much when the horn was passed to me. I figured that was the end of my Odin interactions for the week. I was wrong.

I attended a UToS ritual on Wednesday night because I wanted to offer up worship to Eris - I was Contrary in the FSG Main Ritual and figured She was the deity to go to - and it turned out that Odin and Loki were on the list of spirits to be invoked.

Now, I am not going to lie. I am a skeptic when it comes to possession. Hell, I'm a skeptic about almost all things woo. I tend to think most people are full of shit regarding most things. I tried to keep an open mind about this particular ritual though. Mostly because three people I hold in high regard are in UToS but also because one of my kinsman (hi Wolf!) called me out a few months ago about not embracing woo because it scares me a bit. I figured it was time to step up and at least see what UToS was all about. I had a good time. It was joyous and festive and I even got up and joined in the merry making and chanting a few times. That in and of itself is a huge step for me.

Anyway, when Odin's chant started I got up and chanted and sang and offered up my energy as an offering for His presence. I assume He found our songs and chants acceptable because He showed up.

Horsing a woman who I know fairly well, Odin attended the ritual.

I was able to ask him about my runes and thank him for saving my life after my last suicide attempt. I was also given a lesson.

You see, I asked Him a week before what He wanted me to know. Perthro told me to wait, and I figured I would be waiting a while. Turns out I was only waiting until that night, when He could speak to me face to face.

I came out of the bathroom and Odin was there waiting for me. He took my hands and asked me if I had anything prepared for Loki. I said no. He told me to figure something out.

About twenty minutes later Odin came up to me again and asked if I'd been trying to find something. I hadn't and had to say as much. He gave me a look that said 'get your ass in gear' and walked off.

I borrowed someones phone - mine was back in my cabin - and did a quick (aka half assed) google search for chants and songs for Loki.

Nothing really came up that I was interested in doing in the ritual so I brushed it off.

Odin came up to me one more time and whispered in my ear 'you know, Loki is on the list'. That was all He said. It was also the last time He spoke to me that night.

Not long after that Loki's turn came and people were shouting for me to come up and lead the chant/song. I had nothing to offer (because I was lazy and also because I was butthurt that I needed to provide a chant when I hadn't put Him on the list in the first place). I said as much - not the butthurt or lazy bit fyi. Someone else offered up Behind Blue Eyes - which is an amazing fit for Himself - and I started walking and singing along. My heart hurting a bit more and guilt burning a bit hotter with each step I took and each word I sang.

I caught Odin's eye as I walked with my fellow Loki worshipers. He looked sad and disappointed. He shook His head and looked away from me.

I'm not going to lie, that broke my heart a bit. I'm not sure if you've ever had to look into the face of your god and have Them look back at you with disappointment, but let me tell you. It's hurts.

I walked away from that ritual knowing that I would never go unprepared again. I will make sure that there is a song of Loki at any and all rituals I attend in the future. Not just because Odin wanted me to, and not just because it's the thing I need to do to honor Loki, but because I am a Lokean that is making noise. People know what I am. I've come to the point where I am starting to gain a reputation and it is my duty to make sure that the name I make for myself reflects well not only on me and my ancestors but also on my kindred.

Hail All Father.
Hail Sly One
Hail Glass Maker (you know who you are!)
Hail Learning Opportunities. 
Hail Growth.
Hail WardenHeart!

When people see you, what are they seeing?

A lot of things happened this year at Free Spirit Gathering. Here are four things that stick out in my mind.

1. On Tuesday night we had the opening Sumbel. I made an off handed comment about being a Lokean and a woman who was sitting to my right in the circle scooted away from me. When I asked her what she was doing she proclaimed that she was a devotee of Heimdallr in such a way that made it clear that that to her the proclamation excused her rudeness.  
2. A Gothi of Baldr  told me that because of who I am as a person, and the way that I carry myself, he would be willing to attend the Loki Blot I was hosting. A Gothi of Baldr. Of BALDR. Yeah.
3. A friend of mine, who also happens to be a Son of Heimdallr, hailed Loki in a blot. It wasn't even a blot for Loki. 
4. A person who I hold in high regard told me that my behavior as a Lokean, as well as past conversations she and I have had, made her comfortable enough to allow someone to add Loki to a shrine in her home. 

Things happened in that exact order.

Maybe I am reading into things, though I will be honest - I do not think I am, but I see those things falling the way they did as a sign from the gods.

I have worked hard in the past four years to remind people that Loki is not just chaos. He is truth. He is home and family. He is an oath keeper. He is the fire of destruction but that fire often burns away the rot and stagnation that keep people from growth. Loki is more than the box most people paint Him into.

So, even though one woman did a disservice to her god and was rude, three other people reminded me that I am exactly what Brigid and Loki have asked me to be. I am a light in the darkness. I shine Their fire out into the world and people are starting to see it. Starting to take notice.

Hail Loki, World Breaker.
Hail Baldr, Joyous One
Hail Heimdallr, Watcher in the Night.
Hail Brigid, Flaming Arrow.

Hail the my Kindred. Hail to the family of my heart and hearth. Hail to all who look beyond the surface of things.

Even a weak flame can burn steadily on.

Yesterday my older sister turned thirty five and I had a cill shift for Brigid.

I always say that Loki is the presence behind all the healing in my relationships but that is not the case here. Brigid is, and always has been, the driving force behind my tentative relationship with my older sister. I wish I could say that I adore my older sister. I wish I could say that we have inside jokes and that I am overjoyed to see her when I visit my family in Washington State.
I wish I could say that I know her and like her.

I can't say those things though, and truth be told it causes me pain to know that I don't give her a chance.

I know what Brigid wants here. She wants the same thing Loki wants. They want me to fix this relationship. My sister has tried, in so far as she is able. I know that she could try harder, but then again...so could I.

A few years ago my older sister was going through a deeply painful and emotionally draining situation and I did the only thing I could think of to give her comfort. I gave her a Brigid's Cross necklace and told her to pray to Brigid for strength. When that necklace broke last year I bought her a new one and as far as I know, she wears is daily.

I see my relationship with my sister as a small flame. It's tiny, but it holds strong in the wind that beats against it. Much like Brigid did in a world that tried to forget Her.

It is my prayer that one day our tiny flame will be as large as the hearth fire that is my relationship with my younger sister.

Happy 35th Birthday Christina. I love you, though I do not know how to express it to you. I wish for you only the best in the years to come. May Brigid's sacred flame always burn brightly in your heart and hearth and may you always know the strength of Her arms around you.

Bees - a poem for Brigid

As a girl I heard that God would give us wings like eagles.

I never dreamt of eagles wings.

I longed for the delicate wings of the bee.

Small, yet mighty.

It wasn’t an eagles wings that flew me to the feet of the divine.

I was carried there on the wings of bees.

A colony. A hive.

Small, yet mighty.

They lifted me.

They guided me.

They took me to Her.

At Her feet I was left.

At Her table I was fed.

At Her side, I am learning.

She, who is the fire.

She, the living water.

She, the flamed haired one.

Brigid. Bríd. Brigantia.

Her name, like honey on my lips.

Her hands carried me - like so many bees.

And lay me down on a field of green.

Where I thrive.

Where I grow.

As a girl, I was told that God would help me rise up on the wings of eagles.

As a woman, I know that we don’t need eagles to survive.

We need bees.

Their Altar

One of the things I have noticed, and written about before, about worshiping Loki is this: You don't JUST worship Loki.

He comes with others. He isn't alone. Maybe He will bring His children. Maybe one of His wives. Maybe His mother. Maybe His blood brother. He knows who He wants to have with Him. My worship of Loki always includes Sigyn. His altar space in my home has toys and candy for Narvi and Vali and if I light a candle for Him there had better be a candle for Sigyn. There is no other option.

When my coven decided we would do a Pagan style lent and spend the days between Imbolc and Ostara saying a shared daily prayer (along with prayers to our personal deities) it never even crossed my mind to NOT light a candle for Her.

I love Brigid. She has my heart in ways I can not explain. I adore Loki. Where They lead me I will always follow. Freyja has been here for a while as well but Sigyn... I never expected her. I've slowly slipped into a place where I can not worship Him without thinking of Her. She keeps Him strong. She keeps Him young. She reminds Him that love is alive and allowed and real. She ... She is amazing.

So, before I get too choked up thinking about it, here is Their altar. It started out as Loki's space. Slowly, over the past year, it has become Their space. It is only just now though, as I write this, that I realize how much more my life is because She stands by His side and He refuses to let Her be looked over. It just accrued to me that I need another candle. This one for Angrboda.

Hail Loki! Hail Sigyn! Hail Narvi & Vali! Hail Angrboda!

Goddess of Poetry...

My coven decided to honor the three faces of Brigid for Imbolc. I was given the task of writing something for the aspect of Her that is the Goddess of poetry. This is the result.

Goddess of Poetry.

Oh! Goddess of mine.

Sweet Bríd, the ink of my pen.

You inspire me.

My words, blessed by you.

Refined in your sacred fire.

These words, my soul bared.

You speak and I write.

My words inspired by you.

Bright poetic flame.

Hail, to you, Brigid.

Goddess of Inspiration.

words flow like water.

Bríd. Sacred water.

Inspiration flows from you.

Verdant cloaked Goddess.

Give me words to write.

You are the Mother of Bards.

Shakespeares one true muse.

Hail Brigid.  

Be A Light In Dark Places

I love you Flaming Arrow.

I love you Lady of the Forge.

I love you Healing Waters.

I love you Goddess turned Saint.

I love you Forever Flame.

I love you Flaming Hair.

I love you Lady of Kildare.

I love you Daughter of Danu.

I love you Lady of Imbolc.

Brigid. Brìghde. Fraid. Breo Saighead. Bríd.

Sweet Lady of Flame and Healing Waters, I love you.

Hail Bríd. Mother of my heart. Beloved Goddess.

I adore you.