It's been a year since my last post. I come to you again on the heels of Free Spirit Gathering.
Things were interesting this time around.
The week before FSG I decided to blood my runes. After they were done I stood over the runes and said 'All Father, tell me what you want me to know'.
I pulled Perthro. I took it as a 'more to follow later' combined with a 'yes, these are runes' message.
The 'more to follow later' could have meant any length of time. I assumed it meant in a few weeks.
Maybe it still does. I don't know. What I do know though, is this.
On Wednesday morning I stood with my kinsmen - I'm part of a Kindred now too. Yay me! - and friends and toasted Odin in a blot. I'd already worked it out with the person hosting the blot that I would also be toasting Loki in the blot along side His blood brother, and I did as much when the horn was passed to me. I figured that was the end of my Odin interactions for the week. I was wrong.
I attended a UToS ritual on Wednesday night because I wanted to offer up worship to Eris - I was Contrary in the FSG Main Ritual and figured She was the deity to go to - and it turned out that Odin and Loki were on the list of spirits to be invoked.
Now, I am not going to lie. I am a skeptic when it comes to possession. Hell, I'm a skeptic about almost all things woo. I tend to think most people are full of shit regarding most things. I tried to keep an open mind about this particular ritual though. Mostly because three people I hold in high regard are in UToS but also because one of my kinsman (hi Wolf!) called me out a few months ago about not embracing woo because it scares me a bit. I figured it was time to step up and at least see what UToS was all about. I had a good time. It was joyous and festive and I even got up and joined in the merry making and chanting a few times. That in and of itself is a huge step for me.
Anyway, when Odin's chant started I got up and chanted and sang and offered up my energy as an offering for His presence. I assume He found our songs and chants acceptable because He showed up.
Horsing a woman who I know fairly well, Odin attended the ritual.
I was able to ask him about my runes and thank him for saving my life after my last suicide attempt. I was also given a lesson.
You see, I asked Him a week before what He wanted me to know. Perthro told me to wait, and I figured I would be waiting a while. Turns out I was only waiting until that night, when He could speak to me face to face.
I came out of the bathroom and Odin was there waiting for me. He took my hands and asked me if I had anything prepared for Loki. I said no. He told me to figure something out.
About twenty minutes later Odin came up to me again and asked if I'd been trying to find something. I hadn't and had to say as much. He gave me a look that said 'get your ass in gear' and walked off.
I borrowed someones phone - mine was back in my cabin - and did a quick (aka half assed) google search for chants and songs for Loki.
Nothing really came up that I was interested in doing in the ritual so I brushed it off.
Odin came up to me one more time and whispered in my ear 'you know, Loki is on the list'. That was all He said. It was also the last time He spoke to me that night.
Not long after that Loki's turn came and people were shouting for me to come up and lead the chant/song. I had nothing to offer (because I was lazy and also because I was butthurt that I needed to provide a chant when I hadn't put Him on the list in the first place). I said as much - not the butthurt or lazy bit fyi. Someone else offered up Behind Blue Eyes - which is an amazing fit for Himself - and I started walking and singing along. My heart hurting a bit more and guilt burning a bit hotter with each step I took and each word I sang.
I caught Odin's eye as I walked with my fellow Loki worshipers. He looked sad and disappointed. He shook His head and looked away from me.
I'm not going to lie, that broke my heart a bit. I'm not sure if you've ever had to look into the face of your god and have Them look back at you with disappointment, but let me tell you. It's hurts.
I walked away from that ritual knowing that I would never go unprepared again. I will make sure that there is a song of Loki at any and all rituals I attend in the future. Not just because Odin wanted me to, and not just because it's the thing I need to do to honor Loki, but because I am a Lokean that is making noise. People know what I am. I've come to the point where I am starting to gain a reputation and it is my duty to make sure that the name I make for myself reflects well not only on me and my ancestors but also on my kindred.
Hail All Father.
Hail Sly One
Hail Glass Maker (you know who you are!)
Hail Learning Opportunities.
Hail Growth.
Hail WardenHeart!
