Month for Loki Day 2 - A story and a song

I spent a lot of years running from Loki. I had my reasons, but what they amount to was this: I was a scared little girl who was afraid that her new friends wouldn't like her oldest friend. I was also afraid of the stigma that came with being one of His followers.

In June of 2011 I attended a pagan festival in Maryland. It just so happened that that year there was a Loki Blot. I had attended a few other blots at the festival and decided to attend His blot as well. At about midnight I schlepped up the hill from my cabin to the place the blot was being held at and sat in the small circle of people that had gathered there to give Him their praise. I would love to say that I enjoyed that blot. I would love to say that I was ridiculously happy to be among my peers. I would love to say that I walked away from that blot with a reignited passion for Him. I would love to say those things, but I can't because none of those things happened. My relationship with Him was nothing like what the people in the blot were talking about. He'd never told me a perverted joke in my life. Not once had I looked at him with lust. There was never a time in my life that He had hidden my belongings from me or pushed me into harms way. 

I walked away from that blot with two things. The resolve to NEVER be known as a Lokean and the phrase "God didn't hide your car keys. He had more important shit to do." 

That resolve lasted for about two months. Later that summer I heard You and I by Lady Gaga. Up until that point I hadn't been a fan of her music. When I heard that song though, I instantly thought of Loki. The following lyrics caught and held my attention:

It's been a long time since I came around. 

It's been a long time, but I'm back in town.

This time I'm not leaving without you.

When those words came up in the song, I didn't hear Lady Gaga. I heard Him. He was telling me it was time to stop running and come home. 

I spent the next 10 months in a slightly closer, but not overly close, relationship with Him. He was patient with me. He waited. He demanded nothing of me but my acknowledgement of His place in my life. 

I didn't give it to him.

June of 2012 saw me attending the same festival as the year before. That year I got to meet another Lokean who's relationship was similar to mine. Loki made sure that I met him. He gave me a glimpse of  what His followers can be like. Instead of taking it for the hint it was I ignored it. I sat with a friend and cried about how I just wanted Him to go away because I never wanted to be associated with the havoc and chaos He and His followers dealt in. At the end of the festival I had a rune reading done about what I could do to get Him to leave me alone. 

The runes response was simple and to the point. I needed to work to heal the broken relationships in my life. He promise to leave if I fixed them all. He also promised me that I would regret Him leaving and that He wouldn't come back unless I begged him. 

I said I didn't care if he went. I said he was wrong... I also took him at his word and worked on those broken relationships. All of them were with family. I had no idea at the time that He is at His very core, a family man. 

Within a month I missed Him. Every time I tried to talk to him all I felt was a push of "not now". He'd never left me alone before. Not when I needed him. 

People say Loki is the father of lies. I do not agree. He is the bringer of harsh truths. 

As my relationships with my family (chosen and biological) began to heal I was hit with the harsh truth that while He had been there, always loyal and always loving, I had been a complete shit head. I had to deal with the harsh truth that I was no better than the people who sneered His name and denied Him His rightful place among the gods. 

As the last of the broken relationships in my life healed, I developed an interest in Sigyn. She helped my find my way back to Him. In return, He made sure that I had something on my altar for Her. He didn't demand anything for himself. He just wanted me to make sure She was represented. After I put the ring I got Her on my altar, I felt Him again. Not loud or persistent like he used to be. Just there. At Yule I bought a small pine tree and put it on my altar. I called it Laufey without realizing it. Not long after that I felt inclined to put toys on my altar for Narvi and Vali. 

Loki showed my His family as I rebuilt my relationships with mine. 

A few months ago I started to see Him again. I don't see Him like I see the cup of coffee sitting on my coffee table right now. When I say I see Him, I see Him in my head. Some time around February He started showing my flashes of His smile. His lips scared and turned up at the corners. Those scars were what I focused on. I used to have my libret pierced. I have an obvious scar just below the center of my bottom lip from it. Every time I saw His smile all I could think about was my scar and how I needed to have more for Him. It soon became clear a lip ring would be my "payment" to Him for the work He had helped me do.

I talked to fellow Lokean and arranged to have him say a blessing over the ring I planned to have put in my lip at that same summer festival I had attended in the past two years. I had the money. I spoke to the tattoo artist that would be there and he agreed to do it. All was well... 

Except, things came to light and the money that was supposed to go to the piercing went to something far more important. Loki, being the awesome guy that He is, was fine with that. He knew that my heart, for the first time in a LONG time, had been where He asked it to be. 

About an hour after He agreed to the re-purposing of the lip ring funds I found myself staring down at a wood cutting of the rune dagaz. When I touched it the first time all I could think was "this is for Him. I have to get it for Him. He wants it. It's His and it has to go on my altar for Him."

I bought the wood cutting and carried it around with me for the rest of the festival. 

Dagaz is one of His runes. It translates to day or dawn. It represents awakenings and enlightenment. 

To add a further amount of radness (at least in my opinion) to this... my middle name is Dawn and this is the first step into a better relationship with Him. 

I always did like His sense of humor.

This post turned out longer than I had anticipated. I meant to just talk about why Lady Gaga makes me think of Loki. Instead, I shared my story and realized the meaning behind that dagaz cutting for the first time. 

Have some Gaga: